Ground Hogg day

It all starts again having  today received an email from my 11 year old son tell he doesn’t want to see me again.

We had been having some greats times together, for the last 3 weeks my son had started sniping at me so much so when out with his 8 year cousin during a moment alone  together said A is really mean to you.

On Monday it all came to head after parking the car my son started saying all sorts of nasty things. I told him off that’s it

Should have I just ignored it and walked on egg shells for rest of our relationship. Now it feels like I’ve lost him again and suffering the grief of this loss.

During this incident my son accused me of slapping  him hard  when he put a piece of lego in his mouth.  I asked when this happened his answer was when he was teething. This brings to mind an article by Nick Child on influence

I will leave you with the email from my son to read while I  decide how to go forward and cope with this loss.


Dear Father,

I have come to the decision that I do not want to see you anymore as I feel you have committed a act of aggression against me and as this act you committed in the Boulder Brighton car park on the 18th September was unprovoked and is one of many you have commited before and after you split up with my mother, as I have already stated I feel it is best I do not see you again as I do not want to suffer any futher emotional or physical abuse.

I would ask you why you emotionally and physically abused me over many years but I might as well stop as I know you will never give me a honest answer.

I would like you to know in time the truth will surface and you will not be able to continue to hide from it.

Until that day I urge you to not suggest any further meetings or I shall not open or answer any emails you send to me . You suggested that we should discuss the matter of why you abused me face to face but this resulted in you causing me physical and emotional pain.

I hope you have read and thought about the true meaning of this email.

You were never a true dad to me.


The abuse of the child’s voice in high conflict separation

the alienation experience

Here in Scotland, Relationships Scotland (RS) held an event on the Voice of the Child in Separation and Divorce (June 2017). Professor Jenn McIntosh presented her work. She is a researcher and child inclusive practitioner from Australia. Professionals from a wide range of agencies heard about best practice from other parts of the world.

Here and across the world ‘the voice of the child’ is a hugely important issue. Head of RS’s Family Mediation services, Roseanne Cubitt, wrote in the Scotsman and on RS’s own blog. Here’s my – Nick Child’s – response:

Hi Roseanne

Thanks for your event and the article in the Scotsman.  I’d like to comment wearing the hat of a retired child psychiatrist and family therapist, and with a special interest in high conflict separating families, from long ago and more recently – and a wider interest in the similarity of harmful coercive patterns in families and…

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What happened

It’s been a while since I have put thoughts down in writing, after  one session family therapy where it took 45 minutes for my son to come into the room. During the last 2 years I have told that my son wants to meet as he questions he wishes to ask me. No problem I have always been happy to answer anything I am asked. The suggested location like Garden centre cafe for half an hour the his off to lesson.

Not the right environment, our son has been taken to different therapist all have suggested that we all attend Family therapy. One actually said that our son wouldn’t make any more progress with. It had taken over 2 years to get it started during that 15 minutes he got to ask 1 question which I anwsered honestly. The next session mum called 5 minutes after session was supposed to have started saying son was to anxious to attend.

During the last year I have maintained email communication send them without expecting a reply. Then out of the blue a reply,

This built to regular emails back and forth then last week an email about a school project about Ww2. Now the brother of my ex new partner has kindly lent him a gas mask for show and tell. I rembered that musk from this time could have Asbestos in them and schools being told not to let children not bring then in.

I emailed him back asking him to check. Then a series emails back and forth no anger from me just concern for our son 

The Last email from him was full of words like bullying and abuse telling me he was not going to email again. That was over a week ago. Sending e mails again into space hoping that his is at least reading them. 

Read a Facebook story about today about a son and father that had  kept apart from each other for 5 years, they had just start emailing and talking. Now an accident has taken the father and the mum has to tell the son that he will never get to see his father again. So sad do parents not realise the damage this can cause. 

Parental Alienation has been getting a lot of headlines but they never really get the the full story of the sense of lose a parent feels, grief for one being eased from a loved ones life. The cost to the future of the child as research has started to proof.

As a father the I will not give up trying to find way through  until I have a meaningful relationship with my son no matter what’s put in the way.
Thanks for reading

It’s hard being a father in a modern world

Its hard to keep on going when everything seems so stacked up against fathers. I am off to see my solicitors tomorrow even though I can guess what he will say. 

It’s been about 2 years since the break up with the mother of our child, at first I had regular time our son. At the time we had no plans to see each other, as it made difficult sofa sufing .whist my friends were more than happy for my son to visit or stay the travel time between would a have meant spending any time together in the car. Costa and Mcdonald’s were the last resort if swimming was out. So decided to see him on Sunday’s then other things were put in the way. At the suggest of outside influences my son asked we could have a short break. I didn’t like it but agreed as long as we could speak once a week on the phone. 

Then out of no where I get a call from a social worker She advised me that my son had been referred to them after me had called the police telling them that he was scared of me. 

So social worker arranged to visit spent a hour or so with me asked lots of questions. Went away did a report closed case no reason for my son not to spend time together.

The social work had let slip that x had called the police then handed phone to my son. This all started after the Mother had been caught in a lie by our son about a situation with some she had been seeing. Whilst the interference of a third person  didn’t help and as usual I was the last person to find out, our relationship was probably heading for the rocks. 

The phones calls became more and more difficult with the mother alway listening then my calls not be answered. I had been in formed that my son had been taken to see a child psychologist Who had referred him to a therapist because he had developed OCD and post traumatic stress syndrome. It took a bit of time to track the therapist down as the mother had been uncorporative and secretive. After serval phone calls with the therapist a was advised to have a total break from my son, just to send emails. It was surpost to be a short term measure to give her time to work him.

The end result of this therapy was the therapist washer her hands of my son and saying that family therapy was needed and without son wouldn’t recover. As I would do anything  to help our son I tried to put this in place to no avail.

I would get an email asking me to meet my son in a garden centre restaurant where he wants to ask me why I had been such a bad dad. You know when something is just the wrong. Happy to meet my son just didn’t think this was the right environment. Made some other suggestions like at the therapist he had seen or family centre all ignored.

During this time I continued to send emails and postcard with no reply then one Friday he reached out and asked if I could take him to MacDonalds on Saturday I rearranged work so l could. We had a lovely time.

Later during the week get another request this time could we go swimming on the Sunday, I was away so suggested after  school. We went again had great time he asked to go for something to eat as he didn’t have to take him home until later.

Had food then still had time for a walk. During the next couple of weeks I emailed invites to spend time together, all are turned down or just ignored. Then it starts again about meeting in a garden centre restaurant and wanting to tell me what a bad dad I have been. 

Further offers from myself to meet in in the right environment where my son can be safe and we can have some guidance. Just ignored!

I go back to sending emails and postcards then he reached out again months later  this time could we go fishing something we used to do together. I was working the next long week end at a local county fair its always a fun thing to do so invited son over. I arrange for him to be picked up and his mum would collect him. He then  emails me and asks if he could stay longer and help me pack up as his mum wanted to pick him up early. Fine with me. We had great time. When he wasn’t helping with customers he was off with exhibitor been shown exciting things.

This is a boy that is so stressed  and afraid of people, sort of conflicted with all the comments about what confidence he had as a father made me proud. 

We started a regular trips fishing, movies etc . He insisted we spend Father’s Day together. Then my invites start getting turned down. 

Next get a call from a new child psychologist telling me she had seen Our son as mother had again taken him re OCD and post tramtic stress . Arranged to see them in between a letter lands on my door mat, it describes  the meeting with son his mother and her boyfriend. All in the room together at no time was he seen on his own. a section about the home I live in which is dirty  no banerstair with used drugs needle left lying around from my Multiple sclerosis treatment. It didn’t  sound safe for me to be in let alone a place I would let a child go to.

This letter was copied into my doctor and worse to my sons school. 

I kept my appointment with this psychologist let her know how unhappy about the letter I was . I did get to point out the effort I had made to get his mother to agree to mediation or family therapy . 

Again it was agreed they would set up this therapy, the first appointment made its was surpost to be all of us then it changed now they wanted to see his mother first then two weeks later me. Then two weeks after that it was ment to be mother son and me. Then I get another call they want to see me on I own again. They needed to clear up some issues. They wanted to know why I had not gone to visit my son on his birthday when I had been invite to pop in and surprise him by the boyfriend. No matter how much I want to see my son it just didn’t feel like the right thing to do as had seen him for months surprise him in front of his friends. Thought it best to check with the psychologist couldnt get hold her but spoke to the team leader of the child mental health centre who also felt it would have been the wrong thing to do.

After I explained this appointment was set in another 2 weeks for all three us. I turn on time shown into the room, it then took 45 minutes to get then into the room at one stage it was like a comedy sketch with my son doing his impression of  Harry Worth You might need to be English and certain age to rember him (

When he did come into the room out came piece of paper with a list of question on he got to ask one and time had run out. The next in another 2 weeks I was shown into the room again guess what the mother had emailed and phoned the centre five after session was booked for to say they weren’t turning up.

Christmas comes and goes the only communication with from him was an email telling me what he wants as a present. The shop. Code and price I emailed back saying I would take him shopping next time we are together.

Now mid Jan get weird text from the telling son has sent me a letter and I should apologise for everything.

So here goes I am sorry American voted for trump that the uk decided to leave Europe and climate change As for being a father who only ever wants his son to be happy no 

Thanks for reading my rant 

Speak soon

Story time

One of the most hurtful events of the last two years was when on one of few times I had contact with my son. He told me that he had stopped reading the stories I had been emailing.

During our family life I would take my son to bed part of that routine was me reading a story or more offen making one up,with my son as the hero. 

When I left the family home,more on that in later Blogg, one of the things that  my son told me he was missing  was story time. I explained that I couldn’t be with him to make up  story’s but i would write some down and email them to him a few chapters at a time.

The first story was sent and I hope was read, on the iPad we had brought together. Then the next was started the first few chapters sent. Then whilst we talked on a rare occasion I asked what he thought of the lastest story. I was totally taken aback by his reply “I have stopped reading it because other have said i criticised him”

I asked him what he meant, I had started the story with him running late for school. It was just how the plot started and how the adventure and him being the hero. I explained it was just a story. 

I finished the story not sure if he ever got it.  As I was told that his mother had deleted his email account after me sending stuff into the ether for a couple months without reply.

Still to this day confused about how hurtful adults can be to their kids, do they not realise by running down one parent to the kids is like running down the child as they are made of both father and mother. No wonder so many adults that were children who were subjected to Alienation end up with drug and other problems. Being half of you is no good.

On that note I will say happy new year and stay strong to all who are suffering adults and kid

Speak soon andy vansells

Parent Alienation time the only bank account we can’t add to.

I have never been the biggest fan of this time of year, not only is it Christmas this week was my birthday. This  year I spent the evening with two great friends in reflection of a lost member of our band. Who passed away a few days before Xmas.

We had known each other since school over forty years and have supported each other through life’s up and down. Our friend had just returned from a short break with his young family. During the year our friend had suffered a serious illness, this led to refocus his lives priorities. For the third time this year ,he took his  kids away, when he talked about his time he would light up the fun they had just shone out. He had planned their time at the well known holiday park this time, so that the kids got the most from it. His wife told us that they had a wonderful time.

Whilst talking over a drink my friend he told us about a talk he had with one of his teenage daughters, she was always falling out with her friends,said that forty years from now silly argruement today will mean little compared to the support your friends give.

I am greatful for my friends I couldn’t have got through the last two years without them. Thank you

This will be the second year for me without hearing from my son, lots of messages wishing me good day from friends & family. Respect and good manors were alway something I tried to instill in my son, It would appear that this has gone out the window, a cousin had sent some presents to him via his gran. Wanting to get them to him in time for Xmas day gran text his mum but never got answer. As it’s quite a drive to their home Nan decide to call his other Nan to her surprise her grandson answered the phone,  she explained that there were presents at he’s for him. Without a thank you he put the phone down. 

This is not how I taught my son to act please and thank you are just good manors. I have been giving a lot of thought how to bring this up  if he and his mother turn up at the family therapy, missed the last session another debit in the bank account of life I will Blogg about the last 2 years during the next few weeks

Thanks for reading