Ground Hogg day

It all starts again having  today received an email from my 11 year old son tell he doesn’t want to see me again.

We had been having some greats times together, for the last 3 weeks my son had started sniping at me so much so when out with his 8 year cousin during a moment alone  together said A is really mean to you.

On Monday it all came to head after parking the car my son started saying all sorts of nasty things. I told him off that’s it

Should have I just ignored it and walked on egg shells for rest of our relationship. Now it feels like I’ve lost him again and suffering the grief of this loss.

During this incident my son accused me of slapping  him hard  when he put a piece of lego in his mouth.  I asked when this happened his answer was when he was teething. This brings to mind an article by Nick Child on influence

I will leave you with the email from my son to read while I  decide how to go forward and cope with this loss.


Dear Father,

I have come to the decision that I do not want to see you anymore as I feel you have committed a act of aggression against me and as this act you committed in the Boulder Brighton car park on the 18th September was unprovoked and is one of many you have commited before and after you split up with my mother, as I have already stated I feel it is best I do not see you again as I do not want to suffer any futher emotional or physical abuse.

I would ask you why you emotionally and physically abused me over many years but I might as well stop as I know you will never give me a honest answer.

I would like you to know in time the truth will surface and you will not be able to continue to hide from it.

Until that day I urge you to not suggest any further meetings or I shall not open or answer any emails you send to me . You suggested that we should discuss the matter of why you abused me face to face but this resulted in you causing me physical and emotional pain.

I hope you have read and thought about the true meaning of this email.

You were never a true dad to me.


The abuse of the child’s voice in high conflict separation

the alienation experience

Here in Scotland, Relationships Scotland (RS) held an event on the Voice of the Child in Separation and Divorce (June 2017). Professor Jenn McIntosh presented her work. She is a researcher and child inclusive practitioner from Australia. Professionals from a wide range of agencies heard about best practice from other parts of the world.

Here and across the world ‘the voice of the child’ is a hugely important issue. Head of RS’s Family Mediation services, Roseanne Cubitt, wrote in the Scotsman and on RS’s own blog. Here’s my – Nick Child’s – response:

Hi Roseanne

Thanks for your event and the article in the Scotsman.  I’d like to comment wearing the hat of a retired child psychiatrist and family therapist, and with a special interest in high conflict separating families, from long ago and more recently – and a wider interest in the similarity of harmful coercive patterns in families and…

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Story time

One of the most hurtful events of the last two years was when on one of few times I had contact with my son. He told me that he had stopped reading the stories I had been emailing.

During our family life I would take my son to bed part of that routine was me reading a story or more offen making one up,with my son as the hero. 

When I left the family home,more on that in later Blogg, one of the things that  my son told me he was missing  was story time. I explained that I couldn’t be with him to make up  story’s but i would write some down and email them to him a few chapters at a time.

The first story was sent and I hope was read, on the iPad we had brought together. Then the next was started the first few chapters sent. Then whilst we talked on a rare occasion I asked what he thought of the lastest story. I was totally taken aback by his reply “I have stopped reading it because other have said i criticised him”

I asked him what he meant, I had started the story with him running late for school. It was just how the plot started and how the adventure and him being the hero. I explained it was just a story. 

I finished the story not sure if he ever got it.  As I was told that his mother had deleted his email account after me sending stuff into the ether for a couple months without reply.

Still to this day confused about how hurtful adults can be to their kids, do they not realise by running down one parent to the kids is like running down the child as they are made of both father and mother. No wonder so many adults that were children who were subjected to Alienation end up with drug and other problems. Being half of you is no good.

On that note I will say happy new year and stay strong to all who are suffering adults and kid

Speak soon andy vansells

Parent Alienation time the only bank account we can’t add to.

I have never been the biggest fan of this time of year, not only is it Christmas this week was my birthday. This  year I spent the evening with two great friends in reflection of a lost member of our band. Who passed away a few days before Xmas.

We had known each other since school over forty years and have supported each other through life’s up and down. Our friend had just returned from a short break with his young family. During the year our friend had suffered a serious illness, this led to refocus his lives priorities. For the third time this year ,he took his  kids away, when he talked about his time he would light up the fun they had just shone out. He had planned their time at the well known holiday park this time, so that the kids got the most from it. His wife told us that they had a wonderful time.

Whilst talking over a drink my friend he told us about a talk he had with one of his teenage daughters, she was always falling out with her friends,said that forty years from now silly argruement today will mean little compared to the support your friends give.

I am greatful for my friends I couldn’t have got through the last two years without them. Thank you

This will be the second year for me without hearing from my son, lots of messages wishing me good day from friends & family. Respect and good manors were alway something I tried to instill in my son, It would appear that this has gone out the window, a cousin had sent some presents to him via his gran. Wanting to get them to him in time for Xmas day gran text his mum but never got answer. As it’s quite a drive to their home Nan decide to call his other Nan to her surprise her grandson answered the phone,  she explained that there were presents at he’s for him. Without a thank you he put the phone down. 

This is not how I taught my son to act please and thank you are just good manors. I have been giving a lot of thought how to bring this up  if he and his mother turn up at the family therapy, missed the last session another debit in the bank account of life I will Blogg about the last 2 years during the next few weeks

Thanks for reading

Alienation effects all

This being my second Xmas without any contact from my son not a call call or text. The saddest thing I heard on Christmas  day was my 7 year old nephew opening a card from his at absent cousin who me had not seen for over year, just saying I miss (no name ) .

Around that’s day dinner table was an auntie and uncle who used to love spending time with the two boys watching then

grow up together .

A gran that has only been able to see her grandson on a couple occasions this years, who’s only form of communication with the grandsons mother  is by text. Frustrating her with the late replies when trying to arrange contact and the simple handing over some presents from another member of my side of the family.

Then there was myself the father who year has been full of false starts, as this is my first post I thought I would keep it short. I will post more over the next weeks about this past year and the frustration of being. Alienated parent.

Speak soon